(Editorial Note: The following first appeared on the now defunct Spousechat message board in October, 2002; it was reprinted with the permission of Mark Remond from his partial Spousechat Archive still available on his blog, Worshipping Your Wife.—Thomas Lavalle)
“Wife Worshipper” writes: My household is a definite matriarchy and it’s Christian! I always knew she was powerful, opinionated and no-nonsense. But, in the beginning, mainly because of faulty theology, I tried to “be the man and leader.” Definite personality clash and just plain role mismatch; she was frustrated and so was I. But, thank God, we met an middle-aged ministry couple in Indiana during a dinner party at her brother’s home.
The wife, Pastor Florence, was the minister of a local evangelical congregation; her husband helped her ministry. Being of similar Christian persuasion I asked all my questions about the “man's role” and what God says. I expected her to say that her hubby was the head of the house and that God just used her in a special way in ministry (I’ve heard that before). But thankfully, she had a different take altogether. She said, in front of us all, that SHE was definitely the head of their household and that Teddy was in loving submission to HER and furthermore that’s just how God intended it to be! Theodore just smiled and nodded.
She went on to explain that God's plan calls for a head of the household, not specifically the male. She proved it to us: that if you read those passages about marriage along with those that say there is no master or slave, man or woman in God's kingdom, you must conclude that the plan is that someone must represent Christ’s leadership of the Church and someone must be in loving submission as the Church, but this was not based primarily on gender but spiritual attainment.
Since she was chosen by God’s grace spiritually to lead His flock of hundreds of souls, wasn’t it obvious that she’d lead her home, too? I laughed nervously. She just smiled then addressed us all as she followed up by saying that, in fact, in her experience the wife is almost always the more spiritually developed partner, which is the only measure for leadership that counts to God. Women prayed more and showed more maturity and were just more practical.
After a brief and funny “war of the sexes,” we all were forced to agree that men exhibit more immaturity and just weren’t as spiritually committed to family growth as their wives by and large. Pastor Florence then said, “Look, when you combine that with women’s opportunity to go to seminary or get educated in our country, which wasn’t available back then, it’s clear who is fit to lead more often than not.”
The wives let up a little hurrah; my wife beamed. Pastor Florence’s husband then piped up and supported his wife’s credentials as leader and said he would have it no other way.
After dinner, my wife and I spoke to Pastor Florence privately about her marriage. She asked many questions and listened to our story. After she had heard my wife’s complaints (indeed I was the couch potato on Sunday morning while she was often trying to drag me to church --- sound familiar?) and then talked to me for a while about my stress and confusion, she prayed a little prayer with us. I was astonished! But our lives have never been the same since.
She said: “Dear Jesus, please bless this couple’s marriage, keep it strong and bless them with all of your promises. Let dear Tim recognize your image in Stacy, and give Stacy grace and courage to take the reins of leadership as mother and wife, help her to lead their marriage with compassion and wisdom. Open Tim’s heart to loving submission to you and to her and by this may they avoid a broken marriage and through you may she strengthen his resolve for you...”
Well! We pray that prayer to this day and things got better and better, I can tell you! We got to church, checkbooks were magically balanced, the house was peaceful and well kept up, I lost weight - you name it!
This past wedding anniversary we traveled to Indiana, to Pastor Florence, to reaffirm our vows and I surprised my wife by arranging to take her name legally. Lots of red tape, lots of funny looks. But we have been blessed, I can tell you! My wife now owns her own home-based business, and it is very, very successful.
I am not too proud to say that my role is to help her in any way I can, to submit to and love her, and I’m glad that she needs me in this way. The gift of loving submission to her has made her blossom into the leader God intended her to be. Things are great at church, in our social life, at home, and in the bedroom. Men should not be too afraid or ego-centered to admit the truth to themselves: If you look long and hard at you and her, shouldn’t she be calling the shots after all?
