DEBRA’S SON: GUIDELINES FOR GYNARCHIC OR MATRIARCHAL FAMILIES

 

(A note from Thomas Lavalle: The following post by Debra’s Son was previously published on this blog. After having removed and now reinstated the entire blog, I am proud to republish it. On rereading, I am again impressed with the clarity of statement and simplicity of the “argument,” which I mean only in the philosophical sense. The case for matriarchal family values is here given a most persuasive presentation; and, of course, Debra’s Son is not simply an advocate but an example of the wholesomeness of female-led family dynamics, having grown up in a matriarchy and then married into one in which he lives blissfully and obediently.)

Debra's Son: I’ve been asked to share some thoughts on the family dynamics of a gynarchic or matriarchal household. First, let me make clear that the following is based solely on my personal life experiences described elsewhere on this blog. This makes mine a somewhat informed, experienced opinion, I’d argue, but an opinion nonetheless. In my examples, I’ll use a family formed by a Wife, husband and children for convenience only. These suggestions can apply to any family type.

To rein in my tendency toward long-windedness, I’m going to use a trite but hopefully effective aid to put my few random thoughts in some sort of order—the anagram. In this case, the anagram is W*O*M*A*N.

The first letter, “W,” stands for Wisdom. 

I don’t believe it’s wise to post just a set of gynarchic principles on the wall, no matter
how clear and precise, and expect everybody in the household to follow them or be punished. A cult-like isolation is required for such a method by itself to be effective. In the modern world, our kids are influenced by the Internet, their peers, celebrities, teachers, the watchful eyes of various officials, and a thousand other things.

Our ideas regarding female superiority must compete with mainstream culture and win. This is where wisdom comes in. If I could give only one sentence of advice it would be this: Teach by Examples First, and Concepts Second. We have to show our kids that gynarchy works in a practical sense. All adult males in the household, be they fathers, brothers, uncles, “mannies” or non-familial servants, have to show that serving and obeying females is a privilege, as well as a fulfilling and proper way of life. 

An adult male ought to go about his chores cheerfully during the day and expect the younger males to help him as a matter of course. It’s not so different from the older patriarchal practice of women taking pride in their culinary and housekeeping skills, and passing that pride and skill on to their daughters. A male needs to show pride and skill in everything from managing the mundane task of monthly bill paying, to fixing a teenager’s broken heel, to cleaning the commode (and keeping the seat down), depending on what the ladies of the house want and expect of him. 

As for concepts, they can be taught formally, of course, from any number of sources, just as religious parents teach their kids from scriptures. But in my experience, informal chats and musings are at least as effective, probably more so. For example, let’s say a father or manny is preparing a favorite dessert of Mom’s or of one of the girl’s. One or more boys are helping him. There’s a radio or TV on, reporting some major or minor wrong against a woman by a male (there’s never a shortage of such reports) . Depending on the story, the father might say, “Men like that are a big part of what’s wrong with this world. Look at the way he treated her. The gall! He really thinks he has the right to do that. Real men know better. Real men know that everyone would be a lot happier if women were in charge and led the way.” A boy of any age can learn something from nonchalant comments like these. Girls too, if they’re nearby.

Having said the above, let me admit that formal instruction is vital. We ought to be able to defend our way of life to our kids the same as anybody else. We can use older texts like those mentioned elsewhere on this blog, as well as contemporary ones such as Sheila Ellison’s (ed.) If Women Ruled the World or Donlan and Graves’ Her Turn: Why It’s Time for Women to Lead in America. A word of caution, though. Don’t get caught up in endless debate with a child. A sharp boy (or girl, for that matter) can pick holes in the most coherent philosophy just for the thrill of it. If that happens, you need to say something like, “That’s enough. This is how we do things here. If you don’t see the wisdom of it now, you might when you get older.”

“O” is for Oversight.

If you’re a male with some authority in the home, you should make sure it’s known by all that everything you do or want done is ordered or sanctioned by the female(s) in charge. In my experience, indicating this fact repeatedly through casual chitchat is effective. For example, you’re moving furniture around, and you might say, within earshot of the kids, something like, “All right. Mom wants this table moved over here, because she and Haley need more room when they do Pilates. Tim, Danny, take the other end and lift. Mom will be back soon, so we better get this done.”

Any male you enlist to help must be aware of who is really in charge, and the younger they are when they learn this, the better. If you’re not sure of what to do, say, “We have to ask Mom” or “Mom needs to know about this,” and, of course, “Wait till Mom comes home!” ought to be a classic phrase in the matriarchal household. 

Now, if phrases like those above are repeated enough, I can almost guarantee that before long a child is going to say something like, “Is Mom the boss here?” Your response should be a firm, serious, “Yes, Mom is the boss here.” Say it as though it’s the most natural thing in the world (as it really is), conveying the fact that you wouldn’t want it any other way. If the child wants to know why, give him or her intelligent reasons, but as I mentioned above, don’t get caught up in an argument. Make it clear that we adults think that matriarchy is better for everyone, and that’s the way it’s going to be. 

“M” is for Maturity.

Again, setting an example is key. An adult male should not complain about his lot. Don’t grouse or show resentment over the sacrifices you have to make and the orders you have to obey. And, above all, don’t use the children as confidants for your venting. You agreed to live in a matriarchal household, so suck it up. If you have concerns or problems, take them up with the appropriate female, according to the procedure she’s laid down. You are subordinate, and you have to bear that with cheerful, stoic perseverance and pride, as an example to everyone else in the household.

Females are going to have more privileges from birth, and will gain ever more authority as they mature. It is up to you to show the other males how to react. It’s likely that girls will have the bigger bedrooms, more privacy and downtime, more autonomy and money, and, as soon as they are able, the privilege of command. To use a military parallel, you might be an experienced master sergeant, but as your adolescent daughter matures, she becomes a lieutenant, and you have to recognize her authority and obey her within the limits of reason and safety. All females are officers or officer candidates, and males are perpetually enlisted. Your job is to simultaneously aid your wife in teaching the “Officers” leadership skills while setting an example for the “enlisted” and preventing too much resentment among them.

I’ll take time now to mention the obvious. The most important foundation for everything else is love. Boys need to know their place, but they should never feel unloved or unwanted. If they get enough affection and attention, they will be a lot less likely to rebel against the established matriarchal household order. Sometimes it takes conscious effort on our part. As Gynarchists, Matriarchists, Female Supremacists, etc. (choose your term), our natural instinct is to favor the females in our lives, whatever their ages. That’s fine, but we should do it with wisdom and skill.

“A” is for Ancillary Aspects.

This is a broad topic, and I won’t spend much time on it because the details will vary among families. It includes whatever peripherally promotes gynarchy and female superiority. Everything from special ceremonies and celebrations, to art reproductions and decorations, to the books and magazines that lie around the house. I’ve mentioned a few examples from my own childhood in other posts, such as the celebration ceremony my family had when a girl reached menarche, the artwork depicting heroines from history and mythology, and classic books on matriarchy. Even hobbies and craft projects can be employed for this purpose. In my childhood home, a feminist spiritual atmosphere was prominent. I remember my mom having me help her create a small wall-hanging that put a twist on the famous religious quote. It said: “AS FOR ME AND MY HOUSE, WE WILL SERVE THE GODDESS.”

Again, however, these aspects will vary widely depending on the household. My wife has made it clear that while she wants to retain some Goddess symbolism, she prefers a more “secular” atmosphere overall. She’s going to emphasize more contemporary heroines from the STEM fields and athletics, and naturally I’ll follow her lead in this direction.

“N” is for Normalize.

Every idea and manifestation of matriarchy must be made a normal part of everyday life. Ideally, from the time your family is formed until the last person leaves or passes, female rule and privilege should run through everyone’s life like a string through the beads of a necklace. There would be no necklace without the string, and there would be no family without matriarchy. Like the string, matriarchy might not always be blatantly visible to outsiders, but it will be there, holding the family together.

There’s no one way to achieve this, of course, but in my opinion, a stable, productive household atmosphere, routine but not boring or stultifying, is vital. Males need to know what is expected of them, and females need guidance to enable them to enjoy their power and privilege within the family as early as possible. The senior adults of the family, regardless of gender, need to have their act together. That’s not always possible, but it should be the goal, because if there’s too much dysfunction (I’m thinking of things like drug abuse) among those in charge, matriarchy won’t save the family. Speaking of things that are not always possible, any matriarchal family needs to try hard to find at least one other functional matriarchal or gynarchic family. The sense of community, even among only a couple of families, can have tremendous benefits that are too obvious to need explaining.

Our household now consists of my wife, myself, a son, and a daughter on the way. Using what I’ve learned from my own childhood and from helping raise my nieces, I’m trying to take my own advice—that is, I’m trying to set a good example above all. Her son is only 3, but he already sees that his mother has supreme authority in our home. He watches her tell her older husband what to do and he sees me do it with cheerfulness and alacrity. We want to normalize female authority for him, so when he faces the situation in the future when his younger sister becomes a “lieutenant” and he’s still a “private,” he’ll see it as simply the way things are done. And if we’re successful in getting across the reasons why, and showing how well and happy our family can be, he’ll see it as the way things ought to be done.

To me that’s the most important thing: Passing gynarchy onto the next generation. 

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