DEBRA’S SON: ‘PATRES FILIAE OBEDIUNT’ *

 

(Editor’s Note: Debra’s Son has posted more than a few fond reminiscences on this blog about the advantages of growing up in a matriarchal, Goddess-worshipping home—and about his  ultimately successful efforts to recreate a female-first family environment in his adult life. In a recent email, Debra’s Son shared some further  thoughts on his favorite family dynamics. With his perrmission, I share them below.—Thomas Lavalle)

Debra’s Son:

I have no direct experience with blended, poly, or stepfamilies, but I am genuinely curious about those dynamics. If a dominant woman has children already, and her daughter(s) are used to being dominant, how are they integrated into a partnership with a submissive man? I suppose the woman would have to lay down the law from the get-go as far as how much authority her daughters had.

And if the man had a son, it would be a virtual necessity, in my opinion, for him to have already been raising his son(s) with matriarchal ideals. At least he should have been raising them to be deferent to women. Expecting a boy or young man without a matriarchal background to accept female authority “cold turkey” so to speak— that wouldn’t be easy, I imagine. And if the man had dominant daughters of his own, whew! I can only wish him and his son enough time during the day to please all the females in their lives.

I’m not sure I agree on the essential nature of males in terms of being hardwired for female rule. I’ve always thought that matriarchy/gynarchy is by far the best dynamic for all concerned, but whether it’s hardwired is another matter. From my point of view, that’s beside the point. Are children hardwired to spend 7 or 8 hours a day in school for 12+ years?

I don’t think so, but most of them do it. They do it because their parents expect it, AND because there is a strong external culture of long-term compulsory education. It makes for a more orderly, civilized society, or at least it would if the schools were high quality. That’s what makes matriarchy so difficult. We don’t have that external culture to buttress our beliefs. We’re always in conflict with the dominant culture to a greater or lesser degree.

I do agree, however, that gynarchic/matriarchal ideals must be taught to girls and boys as early as possible, and that those ideals must be lived out in the home. Our kids must be made aware that we are indeed in conflict with the dominant culture, just as religious families teach their children that “We are in this world, but not of it.” In some ways we’re more fortunate than religious families. Western societies are taking small but steady steps toward the emancipation and empowerment of women. We can let our children know that perhaps someday society will catch up with us.

I also agree that an adolescent female should be given authority as soon as she can handle it. In my case, more authority was granted to my sisters after menarche. My mother threw a private party, exclusively for women, when each of my sisters reached that milestone. I wasn’t privy to much of what went on, but I do remember overhearing my mother say with pride and love, “GOODBYE MY DAUGHTER, HELLO MY SISTER!?

My sister’s behavior changed after that night. Of course, she had always bossed me around more or less, but her relationship with our father was transformed. She became a cute mini-version of Mom. She began scolding Dad and giving him the same kind of frowns and disapproving looks when he’d make a mistake or forget something. She also praised him when he merited it, and she condescended to him in a patronizing (or should I say matronizing), almost motherly way, as Mom did.

By way of reminding our father and me of her new status after her menarche celebration, my sister occasionally remarked, “I have periods. I’m a woman now.” as if those two sentences totally explained and completely justified her newly acquired authority.

She said it matter of factly, but with a naive sincerity that was beyond adorable, and my father had warned me not to laugh. I could tell how proud he was of her, and I couldn’t help feeling a little pride in her, too.  Of course, my mother had to rein her in rather regularly until she gradually matured, but her "promotion” seemed as natural as those periods she was so proud of. More importantly, things were progressing as I’d been taught they should, and I believe that strengthened  my sense of security and stability.

My other sister, after her party, was less verbal and more literary. She wrote notes. About everything. My father and I always knew what she wanted or what she was thinking, because we came across her daily missives left specifically for us in every room of the house. She was proud of her penmanship (oh, what a different world it is today!), and these weren’t simple little “Empty my wastebasket” reminders. Oh no. My sister would have been aghast at such terse and unimaginative messages. She felt a manifesto of her feelings and outlook on life was called for in every communique. Dad called them her “scolding screeds.”

I remember one she left for me entitled, “Why does my brother forget things?” She recounted what seemed to be an entire history of my faulty ability to recall her instructions, and she left me a library book on mnemonic devices. She finally summed up her thoughts with, “It can be just as easy to remember as forget, you know. Read this book. And don’t forget to return it to the library.”

These scenarios more or less played out again when I helped raise my nieces, and now, decades later, my daughter is proudly taking up the mantle of female authority, bit by bit. The comfort of continuity.

I think it’s true that there will always be something of the little boy in even the oldest men, and I think there is something of the Mother in even the youngest girls. It doesn’t take much to elicit these behaviors. I can already see it in my little girl. And as mature as I must try to be, I know I still have a little boy’s insecurity and pettiness at times.

Anyway, just wanted to share those memories with you.

* “Patres Filiae Obediunt” — "Fathers, obey your daughters"